just thinking

today i was just thinking. about yesterday and today and tomorrow. of yesterday i think about were Ive been, what Ive gone through, things that Ive done. the happy times sad times wonderful times and the angry times. and then i think of the times i wasted and threw away. i regret so much of the bad times. but that was yesterday. today i look towards the future and the life that god has waiting for me, the plans, the good times and the hard times, i know that the yesterday will affect my today, but so long as god is by my side anything is possible. i think of how I'm maturing through god and becoming who i am. the future is coming and that is the part i think about the most. i have a hard time trusting god and having faith, putting things , situations in his hands, its hard to let go and let him take care of it, i realize that if i don't soon ,the beautiful life that he has waiting for me will disappear from me. everything seems better when i know what will happen, i don't know what to do ,i try but some how i just cant trust..... Ive put my trust in things of me, and other people and they have failed. i don't want to be hurt by my actions and mistakes, like i have been. i let my self down ....to much. i know that god does not want us to throw pity parties but i have to let it out some how. i know he hears me, at night when i pray and tell him about things, and i feel that he wants to move in my life but I'm not letting him. it hurts, i have a tight grip and cant let go, Ive failed more than enough and if i just go with the wind and let god control i feel like.....i wont have control, knowing, having the knowledge, of the future is of value to me, i know that everything will be what my heart desires, from god but then why? this is my struggle right now trusting god and forgiving myself from things its in my mind every minute. i know he is here with me and i thank him for every blessing he has given me.